Kathy’s Passing Notes

May 9, 2024

This is a glimpse into some of the scenes I shared with Kathy near the end of her life: observations and reflections surrounding the tender vignettes of her final days, last words, and fleeting moments. Some are wrinkled with irony or folded with paradox, some teetering between gravity and levity, some flickering as light wrestled darkness, some marbled with sorrow and joy, and all of them infused with faith, hope, and love. These retrospective thoughts and feelings occurred to me in rough-cut couplets: the two lines symbolizing mortality’s minimalism within the reductive constraints of reality; the uncomfortable unevenness of their meter: an appropriate depiction of how the exhaustion of dying and caretaking leaves much a mess, wanting for what an opportunity and a little effort could tidy up; and the attempt to resolve these paired ideas in an eventual rhyme: an anticipatory tribute to the final redemption of even the toughest experiences in this life.

You were on the brink of death
Yet brimming with life with every breath

Sick in the wheelchair, shaking in my embrace
Still wearing that “happy” yellow t-shirt with the smiley face

One last night together in our own queen-sized bed
Silent…till a tear landed on the pillow beneath our snuggled heads

Hospital bed assembled at home, through the bars we’ll hold hands
parallel floating, drifting farther apart, away from land

To be a patient and a prisoner in your own home
When so many take for granted their power and freedom to roam

Broken AC forced our windows open till they fixed it
But you still wanted them open at night cause you liked to hear the crickets

The curtains sway in the breeze, the birds’ songs fill the sky
like our first apartment in Kailua, our tranquil aloha lanai

The hospice team arrived on Monday, April 15th
to remind us of life’s two certainties; death and taxes have real teeth

Accessing your computer, so many to-dos to be done
Entered your password reminder: “he has overcome”

Couldn’t leave the house for church again, still too frail
Watching livestream, Johnathan’s cello declares, Grace Will Prevail.

Seize the day, they say, live like you were dying
But when you actually are, there’s nothing left for trying

We would eat, drink, and, to the glory of God, be merry
If only you could sit up and swallow, or if being awake wasn’t so scary

In the degradation race, loss of function’s tied with loss of dignity
A line up of devices and medications await each new inability

So much equipment to adjust, and prescriptions to refill
all you wanted was to see your butterfly sign, “be still”

With that walker, you had your last dance in the living room
without you, I fear this Walker might be doomed

A nervous neighbor asked, “Are you afraid?”
No, you assured her, your spiritual debts have been paid

Ministers and minstrels, chefs and artists, planners and practitioners, gathered ‘round
filling the house, the yard, our heads and our hearts with love unbound

Surrounding you live at home, in the hospital, and on the backyard stage
Our worship music soundtrack has enjoyed a golden age

Revolving door of guests, water wheel of blessings, carrousel of gifts
When we should have felt empty, our cup fills, and spirit lifts

A pharmacopeia of pills, a panoply of oils, and a plethora of theories
Just can’t sequence the right anointing, diffusing, dissolving series

We turned over almost every stone looking for a cure
Could we have had more faith, been more pure?

Deep breath

We fought so hard to let no one rend asunder
till cancer took a cheap shot and pulled us under

Nothing can separate us from the love of God, I’m convinced
But involuntarily tear me from the love of my life? I’ve started a list

We watch as couples fall, fight, flail, fizzle, and flake
What we would have given for more time to give and take

No matter what it would take, there’s nothing left to give
the only thing left to take is this one life we had to live

“Heal me or take me, tonight in my sleep if possible
I’m not afraid of death, but dying is miserable”

“I’m ready to go to heaven, and glad to see your Dad
but I have the best family, and don’t want you to be sad”

Were you hanging on for one more chance to be healed before heaven
or just not sure how to kick and scream for more years beyond (forty) seven?

As long as you were alive, our prayers climbed against odds
Yet always knowing the final say would be God’s

We wondered if my optimism was fool’s gold, or my stoicism too cold
If my enthusiasm was getting old, or my creative proposals too bold

We ran out of time, things to try, people to see, stuff to know
All that remained were quiet breaths, and even those were getting slow

Even an undying optimist recognizes an imminent end
Time can’t heal all wounds, some damage refuses to mend

Our hope is eternal, while these tabernacles see defeat
Peace inexplicable, waiting for the joy of the temple to be complete

Deep breath

It was time to pray the hardest prayer imaginable, …oh
God, if there be any other way, then make it so.

But if this was our row, and there’s nothing left to hoe
Then give us courage to finish well this race we started long ago

Thank you, Jesus, for this day. Our flesh dims, although
we cry out to you, Lord, let our spirit glow.

We trust that everything, from skies above to earth below
works for good; even this decay is somehow helping us grow

Darling, you’ve fought the good fight and to us bestowed
the greatest gift of your assured destiny, for Jesus’ way you followed

I’ll miss you fiercely, having to sing a duet as a solo
Feeling futile, like only one side left of the velcro

By God’s grace, we got through all the highs and lows
By God’s grace still, we will be alright, I want you to know

I need you to know, though I will have to fight to make it so
…So, when you need to say Yes, we won’t say No

Have mercy on us, O God, let your lovingkindness now show
up in death as it did in life, to bring your daughter home

Be free, Sweetheart; when your body and mind agree it’s time to throw
your arms around Jesus, He’ll be there waiting. Go with his Spirit’s flow.

Deep breath

This road has been long,
And you’ve finished strong
By your side is where I belong
So, I’ll stay here as long
as you want, I’ll play another song
if you’d keep singing along
But when your voice is no longer among
our earthly choir at evensong
and you’ve sung your swan song
as your final rehearsal after a lifelong
journey to join the heavenly throng…
Then to hold you back would be wrong
I love you so much, I know you know
And now I need you to know

Deep breath

When you’re ready to go,

Swallow

I’m ready…to let you go

Deep breath